Your Fear of Abandonment: Three Ways You Can Heal

By Admin | Relationship

Do you ever really feel like your actual self is in some way lower than or unlovable?  Like it’s a must to be good otherwise you’ll be rejected? Do you generally panic once you don’t obtain a fast response to a textual content, e-mail or voicemail?  What about not talking your fact in relationships since you suppose it would drive your associate away? Do you are likely to accept crumbs? These reactions might imply {that a} worry of abandonment is wreaking havoc in your life.

Abandonment is a primal worry that usually stems from childhood. If you skilled parenting that have been chilly, judgmental or distant, you’ll have unconsciously created a way of self as invisible, nugatory, unlovable or not belonging. This worry also can develop additional,  later in life after a devastating loss or break up.

Fear of Abandonment in Intimate Relationships

Dating and intimate relationships are likely to resurface the disappointments of previous relationships and even our childhood wounds.  It is like setting the replay button the place you take care of the identical hurtful scenes, the abandoning father, the judgmental mom, the primary love who dumped you, the ex who took every part in a nasty divorce.  It is from all these painful experiences in love that we come to type distrust and abandonment fears. The deeply held perception that outcomes from these experiences are: I’m not somebody who may be chosen or beloved in a constant deep approach.

You know you may have this perception sample when the deepest want you’ll be able to simply acknowledge is eager to be claimed and to obtain unconditional love and dedication, but your sample of habits is to cover out, settle for relationships that provide you with little or no, and even push caring individuals away.  This is abandonment worry in motion in your life.  You really feel like it’s essential to defend your self or accept much less, as a result of what’s looming forward is loss of love.

Sound acquainted? OK, however no beating your self up for having this sample!  It was a pure response to your childhood and grownup love experiences. Plus, we ALL have primal fears relating to relationships. It’s simply that some of us have stronger points on this enviornment.

Three Ways to Heal Your Fear of Abandonment

So right here’s nice information. I’m going to indicate you three highly effective methods to heal and transcend your worry of abandonment and create wholesome relationships!

Healing Your Fear of Abandonment: Turn Loving Attention on Yourself

It all begins along with your relationship with the only most necessary particular person in your life.  That can be YOU.  Step one is to show loving consideration on your self, which is named self-soothing. This consideration turn-around disengages your focus from being firmly centered on others and the way they—are, did, or will—abandon you! Here is an easy approach to do that (even in case you are feeling down on your self proper now!):

  • Get a photograph of your self or simply have a look at your Facebook profile photograph.
  • Now think about you may have this distinctive beloved daughter or son (not your precise little one, when you have one.) Just think about you may have a wonderful little one that you just adore…. you like him or her soooo a lot! You simply know their perfection. Their actual magnificence inside and outside, their innocence, their gifted nature….
  • Now have a look at your photograph of your self, imagining that you’re your personal treasured grownup little one, discover how a lot you like this little one as you research their stunning face , really feel the essence of their loving soul, know their innocence and the caring of their massive coronary heart. Appreciate this grownup little one who’s you—absolutely.
  • Now extra…. respect this grownup little one who’s you much more. Feel love in direction of this grownup little one who’s you, a completely distinctive, one-of-a-kind being, really feel much more appreciation and love!

So that is one highly effective approach you may be like a loving guardian to your self. Psychologists name it self-soothing. In truth, simply doing the train will make it easier to—you shouldn’t have to consider it should!

Healing Your Fear of Abandonment: Noticing & Questioning the Negative Self-Talk

Step two is noticing and questioning  unfavourable self-talk that emerges in your thoughts—the type that results in you having worry of abandonment. For instance, in a brand new unfolding relationship when the man doesn’t make a fuss about your birthday, it might deliver up an expertise from adolescence the place your father ignored how good you regarded in your promenade gown and made a fuss about your sister as an alternative.  It was on this pivotal scene from childhood that you’ll have first determined that you just have been unlovable.  Layered upon which can be scenes from guys you dated who merely disappeared out of your life.

So, in coping with your present boyfriend who forgets your birthday you revisit the abandonment fear-generating perception, “I can’t have love because I’m not lovable.” This cascades right into a second one, “All men let you down in the end.” And lastly, “This relationship is not working.”  These core  abandonment fear-generating beliefs have emerged as a result of of a easy breakdown within the here-and-now that may be  fastened.  Instead what occurs?  Massive disappointment, disappointment, hopelessness, withdrawal, irritability, indignant jabs…and what impact does which have in your relationship?   It goes downhill.  And extra abandonment fears rear up!

Instead of permitting this abandonment worry to run you, your self-talk and your relationship into the bottom, simply discover the unfavourable self-talk that begins all of it.  And ask your self, is that this perception true?  Really true?

Healing Your Fear of Abandonment: Use Specific Affirmations to Replace the Negative Self-Talk

Finally, the third technique is to disengage from that unfavourable self-talk.  Replace it with constructive self-talk. Focus on self-appreciation. Here’s a particular approach which can make it easier to immerse your self in these energies.

First, make an inventory of affirmations centered on being seen, chosen, claimed, lovable, and beloved. These are constructive statements that begin with “I” and are in current tense. Then, as you write them out, think about that you’re your ultimate relational self, the self you wish to turn into.

Here then, are some examples:


  • An exquisite one who is seen, seen, and appreciated.
  • Claimed by an adoring associate.
  • Fully lovable and loving.
  • An ideal little one of the Divine (or Universe).
  • Unconditionally beloved.
  • Deserving of being chosen and beloved.

For instance, select one assertion to say to your self once you rise up within the morning and earlier than you fall asleep.  Even in case you are not feeling it!  In truth, your thoughts will nonetheless register the constructive statements.  And your abandonment fears will reduce over time.

So there you may have 3 ways to ditch abandonment fears and reside your life full out!  Please go forward and provides all three strategies an actual effort. But if you happen to want further assist remember to ask me for a free session with one of my expert coaches.