My fiancé wants me off the deed and mortgage to our new home. If I don’t agree, he says we’ll stay engaged forever

Dear Moneyist,

My fiancé — or ought to I say everlasting fiancé as a result of he by no means wants to get married — just lately shocked me when he flatly acknowledged that he wants me off the mortgage and deed to our newly bought waterfront house. We have lived there for a 12 months and pay 50/50 on all the pieces. He didn’t need to debate or speak about shopping for me out, he was extra insistent and won’t budge.

This occurred following a dialog I instigated and through which I prompt we see an lawyer to have a will drawn up, in case certainly one of us passes away. The home is appreciating in worth day by day due to its location (it’s value $50,000 extra already) and he wants his kids to inherit it. He wants me to pay hire, which primarily leaves nothing for my kids.

‘I moved from another state and sold my beautiful home to be with this man. He sacrificed nothing.’

I didn’t need out prior to the dialog. I nonetheless love him, however I needed to reside a dedicated life the place we have been constructing a future collectively dwelling in the similar house. I really feel like it’s a slap in the face. I am shocked and brokenhearted and he is making me really feel that I am making all of it about me. I already gave up my dream of marriage.

He stated that if I don’t need to pay hire, we will reside in separate homes and proceed to date eternally, which to me sounds utterly like an enormous step backwards. I am a hard-working particular person with an excellent credit standing, and I at all times pay my half of the mortgage a month upfront. He thinks I am unreasonable.

I moved from one other state and offered my stunning house to be with this man. He sacrificed nothing. If I purchase my own residence, I doubt if he would stay in a single day at my house. I simply really feel that his resolution was influenced by cash. I hate the method he is making me really feel emotionally unstable and insecure as a result of I disagree with him.

What ought to I do now?


Dear Fiancée,

Asking you to both quit-claim your share of the property to your husband and take yourself off the mortgage — assuming the bank would even allow that, which is far from a given — is unreasonable. Using a wedding ring and your clear desire to get married as leverage is despicable.

I disagree with you on one salient point: not getting married to this man after such a long engagement would be a huge step forward, as long as you take one more leap forward to freedom, with exactly 50% of this home that you purchased together.

Let me introduce you to the sunk cost fallacy.

Let me introduce you to the sunk cost fallacy: You spend an hour waiting for a bus so you wait another hour rather than taking a taxi. Or you sink $100,000 into a bad investment so you spend another $100,000 to keep it afloat because otherwise that first $100,000 would be wasted.

This is the dilemma you face with your fiancé. Let’s start with dropping the term. It doesn’t mean anything, except the promise of something happening that has not happened and is unlikely to happen and, I hope, with the right support, you agree would be a disaster for you if it did happen.

If this is how he treats you and your relationship now, imagine how he would treat you if you signed over your half of the house? Imagine how he would treat you if you did get married, heaven forbid. A girlfriend or wife who pays rent on a home she used to co-own?

Whatever social contract you signed up to by becoming engaged has now been broken by his indecent proposal. If this house is rising in value, I suggest you both rent it out, live separately, and show him that what he thinks you want you don’t want anymore. Or else sell the home.

Whatever social contract you have signed has been broken.

Did he need you to co-sign this mortgage, or is this just a random change of heart? Either way, stop calling him your fiancé for the purposes of this dilemma, and just view him as another human being who is offering you a bad deal, and using emotion to get it over the line.

If he tries to woo you back, remember this is who he is. People don’t change. A partner who would make such a suggestion won’t change who he is, he will merely put up a different type of wallpaper and move the furniture around to make you think everything is shiny and new.

You stayed with this man not because you wasted years but because it took the amount of time it took to learn what it was you were supposed to learn from this experience. Among the lessons: You deserve a good relationship, and you are able to face life on your own.

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions related to coronavirus at [email protected]

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